In a stunning display of civic unity not seen since the great “Zipper Merge Awareness” campaign of 2017, the City of Knoxville, the Chilhowee Park Advisory Group (CPAG), and what officials described as “an overwhelming, almost suspicious majority of the public” have aligned behind a bold new vision for Chilhowee Park: a sprawling, glow-in-the-dark waterpark anchored by a multi-story mountain coaster.
The plan, unveiled just minutes into CPAG’s second meeting after what attendees described as “a very thorough 90 seconds of discussion,” marks a dramatic shift from the group’s original charge of patiently gathering thoughtful community input.
“We heard the community loud and clear, I guess.” said Councilman Denzel Grant, quizzically gesturing to a flip chart labeled Ideas that contained a single bullet point reading “big slide???” “People want amenities. They want activation. They apparently want to bombarded by EDM while hurtling through a neon-lit tunnel at 35 miles per hour.”
An unnamed city or county mayor praised the process as “a model of participatory democracy,” noting that the proposal reflects “the full spectrum of community feedback, particularly the comments written in all caps.”
According to early concept renderings, the park will feature:
- A lazy river that loops directly through the gift shop and sporadically accelerates, plunging below ground without warning
- Glow-in-the-dark splash zones visible from space
- A mountain coaster winding through what planners described as “where trees used to be”
- A concession stand serving $14 funnel cakes “to honor hyper-local foodways”
City officials confirmed that the plan has already cleared several key hurdles, including an informal poll conducted in the comment section of a Facebook post, where at least three users responded “lol sure” and one said “finally.”
“At first, we thought people wanted green space, walking trails and thoughtful design,” said one city planner. “But then someone mentioned a glow-in-the-dark wave pool and it was like—heck yeah!”
Reaction from the public was swift and mystifyingly unified, the lone exception being one dejected Parkridge resident in a beaver onesie who told IOK, “Honestly, I was hoping for a Buc-ee’s.”
Construction noisily began during a brief environmental review, described by officials as “driving past the site and saying ‘looks fine.’”
At press time, CPAG announced it is already planning a third meeting to gather community input on Phase II of the project, which may include a zipline over Magnolia Avenue and “a tasteful number of animatronic bears.”
April Fools!
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